Monday, September 26, 2005

“You may be Third World, if …”

1. If either “Tuborg” or “Carlsberg” (or both) are Number One selling beers in your country
2. If there is a two-tier pricing system in your country, i.e. things cost differently for locals and foreigners
3. If men in your country wear Capri pants
4. If you have a Michael Schumacher poster in your house
5. If on your vehicle, you voluntarily display stickers advertising Coca Cola/Adidas/Nike, etc. without being compensated
6. If your watch is the most expensive thing you own
7. If you love going abroad because of the Duty Free shops
8. If Nescafe means “coffee” in your country
9. If the majority of women in your country use henna or are unnaturally blonde after the age of 35
10. If almost everyone in your country smokes
11. If taxis in your country do not have set fares and your fare depends on your negotiation skills
12. If you know of such bands and performers as Ottawan, Boney M, Chenghis Khan, Susie Quattro, Chris Norman, Army of Lovers and Bacarra
13. When you watch DVDs bought in your country, sometimes you notice people getting up to get popcorn on your TV screen
14. If the number of knockoffs in your country is almost equal to the number of legitimate brands
15. If shops in your town feature portraits of young Tom Cruise
16. If Gillette shaving cream costs as much as a full meal in your country
17. If you are an adult person but still get excited about downloading melodic ring-tones of popular tunes into your phone
18. If you spend your whole month’s salary on a cell phone
19. If you don’t use deodorant but know the latest fashionable smell
20. If people in your country hate the USA but immensely enjoy McDonalds, Starbucks, Hard Rock Café, and Levi’s
21. If Latin American soap operas are popular in your country
22. If you walk to the gas station
23. If you call the gas station the “petrol” station
24. If all the canned goods in your pantry are from Bulgaria
25. If you still have a public place for executions
26. If you have to specify “Café Americano” to order a coffee that’s NOT freeze-dried in a jar
27. If you’ve had more than three sick days this month due to malaria
28. If ice in your drink is an unthinkable luxury
29. If the filtered cigarette was only recently introduced to your smoking populace
30. If you’ve run out of burial plots in your land-strapped country
31. If all your national heroes never existed
32. If you get your daily vitamin allowance from mineral water
33. If you have more endangered species than schools
34. If your claims to being “European” are based on only the most liberal interpretations of geographic reality
35. If no doctors in your country speak the national tongue
36. If you can still pay cash for a Lada straight from the dealer’s showroom
37. If you have a relative that died of diphtheria
38. If your village has an AOL account
39. If the most exotic animal in your nation’s circus is a dog and two trained cats
40. If Egypt and Cyprus are premiere vacation spots for your country’s residents
41. If the national beverages are buttermilk and/or Efes
42. If you were formerly a colony owned by the losing side in WWII
43. If your favorite pizza toppings include canned peas and corn niblets
44. If your country is a major vacation destination for Russians
45. If your hometown has a Luna-park
46. If the words “executive” and “super” are overused by your countrymen
47. If restaurant menus in your country have more than two spelling mistakes
48. If the people in your country are described in guide-books as “easy-going” which really means they are irresponsible, lazy, and slow
49. If you wear “seasonal” colognes and buy things from a “fall collection” of no-brand name companies
50. If you think that Budweiser is cool

-Vadim and Boris

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